The Quirrell Test

When I die, let it be said about me, "She knew the importance of cover art."

CASE IN POINT: these two books I just bought. The first one...



You're peeing yourself right now, aren't you? Gorgeous color, simple yet haunting image, and the title. The title. My God. I stood in the bookstore and blew through two chapters of this baby before I couldn't resist anymore and paid my $22.

BY WAY OF CONTRAST...I also bought this book.



Where to begin?? Let's address the most egregious atrocity first: IS THAT A TAGLINE I SEE? And is the tagline..."Schoolgirl by day, owl by night"?? REALLY? And does the child model on the cover have badly-aligned lipstick photoshopped on her face? And is that a even-more-badly-aligned owl superimposed in the corner?? And....TITLE.

The thing is, the writing in this book is bomb, to the point that it didn't even bother me that it was premised on a schoolgirl who turns into an owl at night. It makes it all kind of creepy and original. The first page:

"I am in love with Mr. Lindstrom, my science teacher. I found out where he lives and every night I perch on a tree branch outside his bedroom window and watch him sleep. He sleeps in his underwear: Fruit of the Loom, size 34.

"I am not stupid, you know. I read teen magazines like Seventeen and Sassy, just like other girls. I know what Psychology Today has to say about young girls (I turned fourteen last June) who fall in love with their science teachers. Mr. Lindstrom is not a substitute for my father. He is nothing like my father. My father is pale as a potato sprouting in a root cellar; Mr. Lindstrom is red and brown and furry like the flanks of a deer mouse."

Patrice Kindl, you deserve better.

I leave you with some of the greatest cover art of all time:



I would shave my hair off and get this tattooed on the back of my head like Professor Quirrell. And shouldn't that truly be the litmus test for cover art?